Saturday 21 February 2015

Why We Cannot Wargame

I am sitting here by the woodburner with a head full of cold feeling a bit nihilistic. There must be a reason for this, so I shall turn my firepower, such as it is, on my hobby and see if anything remains after my feeble efforts.

Firstly, of course, we cannot wargame because that is not what nice, modern liberals do. We like to think that all our problems can be sorted out by sitting around a table, perhaps with a few bottles of nice pino grigio (for some values of the term ‘nice’, of course) and we can all be friends and find a way forward. I am sure the Napoleon and Wellington would have done better to have sat down with a few beers at La Haye Saint (or whichever one the pub was) and sorted things out. The worst of the arguments might have been over who was going to pay the bar tab, although, of course, then as now, the Germans would probably have landed up with it.

So nice woolly liberals do not like talking about violence and warfare, and, hence, as members of nice woolly liberal societies, nor should we. It does go rather further than that, of course. As nice non-violent types, we are, in fact fascinated by what some sociologist types call the ‘pornography of violence’. A society which has become much less violent is, in fact, deeply fascinated by that violence. Our news channels are full of it. Much of our entertainment consists of it and we have a deeply ambivalent attitude to this, let alone the violence we see, even vicariously and fictionally.

Of course, wargaming, by abstracting away all the nasty bits, attempts to make itself socially acceptable, but it can never really do that until any talk of death or destruction is removed from its discourse. Then, of course, it would be totally acceptable, but would no longer be wargaming.

Secondly, there is the issue of power. I have commented before that (from a certain perspective, of course) colonial wargaming could be construed as a re-enactment of the domination of the western powers over their less technologically advanced brothers in Africa and Asia. The exploitation is pure imperialism, the exertion of domination over others in the name of peace but by using violence and subjugation. Hence, colonial wargaming is simply an extension of that imperialist mind set, and so we cannot wargame.

Of course, bleeding heart liberals might argue that, say, the Roman invasion of Britain was much the same. To which the response might well be, fair enough. Any sort of invasion of one country by another is unspeakably awful, and therefore should not be wargamed. So kindly stop all ancient warfare, all medieval warfare and certainly any conflict after the end of the middle ages, where nice Enlightenment values should have permeated the body politic and rational thought have caused the avoidance of war.

A further argument against the wargame is that, usually, one side wins and the other does not. We are not, I think, permitted to talk about ‘losers’ in modern society. The top 0.1% of filthy rich are not to be envied or despised simply because they have won and we have not. They are to be welcomed as brothers (although they can buy the drinks). We have not lost, they have not won. Winning and losing is not politically correct. Children should be taught to collaborate not to be in conflict. Therefore, on the basis of not doing the ‘w’ thing, we may not wargame, as we may perpetrate inappropriate activity and cause psychological damage by branding someone a loser.

Next up, wargaming cannot happen in a conceptual sense. We cannot, on a table, represent the experience of warfare (nor should we try, see above). The wargame, therefore, does not represent anything in real life or in history. Thus it cannot inform us about anything, and therefore it is not educational and should be discontinued immediately. After all, our children now have to be educated 24 hours a day, except probably when they are asleep.  Any activity should, therefore, be an educational one, and hence wargaming, as not being educational, cannot be undertaken.

Furthermore, as not being able to represent battles (however regrettable the battle might be) a wargame is thus not real life and should be relegated to some sort of minority fantasy interest. We need, in this day and age, gritty reality in our austerity obsessed age. The Greeks would never have voted for a left wing party that promised jobs and an end to a dismal litany of cuts if they had watched our soap operas for long enough. Gritty reality, like those Scandinavian murder mystery films that are so rife these days, should make us happy to live in such an age. Wargaming is for fantasists who prefer the world as it used to be.

Finally, of course, wargaming is incoherent. If it were not, then they would not be these assorted rules for each period which give different results. The arguments about what happened in a particular battle would not occur as everyone would agree. The different sizes of the toy soldiers would not exist. Wargamers would agree and everyone would be happy. The apparent lack of coherence and agreement amongst wargamers must indicate a significant problem with the hobby. After all, most of society is happy to exist with a single set of rules (we call then ‘laws’) and professional people to discuss and describe the finer points thereof. The incoherence of wargaming must point to a significant immaturity, at least, of the wargaming fraternity.


And with that, ladies and gentlemen, I’m going to have a lie down. 

18 comments:

  1. Excellent post - really groundbreaking. I, at least, am convinced to the point where I shall now offload my soldier collections and abandon the hobby - I am looking forward to the challenges which I shall be able to take on with the increase in my available time. I could try to enrol for the Tai Chi evening class again - last time I applied it was fully subscribed, so I had to do the Flower Arranging class instead.

    I hope that there is someone out there that you have not convinced, so that I may sell them my armies.

    I am stuck in a gentle paradox here, since I seem to have a few woolly liberal tendencies mixed in with my obvious worship of blood and thunder. However, I embrace the spirit of your most excellent note (in a less academic context, some of this might almost have been seen as a bit of a rant, but not from your goodself(?), of course). In the interests of downplaying and abstracting the concept of death (the D-word), I was thinking of marketing a line of mugs, bearing the legend "OLD WARGAMERS NEVER DIE, THEY MERELY REDUCE THEIR COMBAT EFFECTIVENESS TO ZERO", until I realised I would have no-one to sell them to.

    Hmmm.

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    1. As a nice woolly post-modern liberal I cannot, of course, be thought to rant at all. the very idea makes my toes curl in my fairtrade socks.

      I am also concerned that your flower-arranging class might have encouraged your wargaming. I know, for example, that the flower arranging mafia in some churches are capable of extreme violence with blocks of oasis. And having now typed that on a public forum, I shall have to go into hiding.

      Finally, having been to a few shows, might I suggest 'Old Wargamers Never Die, They Only Smell That Way'?

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    2. I believe you are correct - even the Yai Chi has implications of violence if you think about it long enough. After due pondering, I have decided to go ahead with the mugs - you may hear more of this. Thank you for the inspiration.

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  2. This is why I enjoy paxgaming. It has a much more wholesome emphasis!

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    1. And you can head straight for the tea and cakes (or beer) without all that tedious gaming stuff.

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  3. Why I cannot wargame? Because I am paralysed by existential angst resulting from the knowledge that I shall never be able to paint my lead mountain.

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    1. Try dropping the lead mountain on your toe; that should cure any concern as to whether you exist or not...

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    2. The problem is not the fact of my existence, but the reason for it, and the oppressive shadow of the lead mountain which throws into stark relief the futility of all my endeavours! :)

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    3. Interesting - any chance that you could get the lead mountain to send a comment, to tell us how it feels about this?

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    4. It is possible that it is the lead mountain already posting of course, in order to put pressure on the painter to get on with it....

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    5. I asked the lead mountain for its view on the topic but it only responded with an oppressive, leaden silence.

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    6. So, you are being oppressed by your lead pile? This is very interesting. You have constructed the pile and now it oppresses you. How did you get on with your father....?

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    7. Were you listening to Boswell's Life of Freud on Radio 4 yesterday? The line of questioning suggests it.

      Indeed, I am being oppressed by a lead pile of my own construction. I am a prisoner of my own device, as it were, and can check out but I may not leave. Clearly the pile of unpainted figures is a metaphor for the human condition and a symptom of a deeper societal malaise. I must rise up and throw off my leaden chains.

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    8. I didn't, but I'll find it on i-player or whatever they call it these days.

      I once stayed in a hotel (in California) that looked a bit worrying like the one on the copy of the album. But I managed to get out all right.

      Instead of rebellion, you could just try painting the darn things. even a few makes the lead pile seem less oppressive...
      Alternatively, you cvould just accept the pile as a brute fact of wargaming life. Learn to love it, as we have to learn to stop worrying about rolling ones and love the dice.

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    9. Between selling projects that will never get finished and painting others, the lead pile can become less oppressive, especially if I do not buy any new figures. The former two are not currently progressing well, but those same personal circumstances that have led to less than impressive progress on the former two have also led to significant success on the third option. 1 out of 3 ain't bad.

      I'm glad you got away from that hotel in California. I wonder what your wargaming posts would have been like, had you stayed though.

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  4. Would that I could be wringing their necks while they are wringing their hands.

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    1. Now, now. Us nice pinko liberals don't do that sort of thing, do we.

      Not at all. we use drones now to do the dirty work.

      What is that buzzing noise....?

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